I’m a real American. I don’t just take Labor Day off, I take Labor Week off. See you on the 7th!
9:01 AM August 30th
Eastern Time
See you at the emmys this weekend! To help you recognize me, i'll be the one holding an emmy.
10:59 PM August 26th
Eastern Time
Still can't decide how to dress for Beck's 8/28 rally. Silk pantaloons or Continental Congress Casual?
10:45 PM August 26th
Eastern Time
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, then I guess I just got away with tree murder.
9:46 AM August 26th
Eastern Time
By reading this tweet, you have earned a masters in communication from Stephen Colbert 'University.' Standard text messaging rates apply.
10:45 PM August 25th
Eastern Time
My only problem with online universities is the difficulty of throwing an online keg party.
10:37 PM August 25th
Eastern Time
If our flag has 13 stripes, shouldn't our year have 13 months? The new month can be called Amonthica. Also I need to take Amonthica 3rd off.
12:55 PM August 25th
Eastern Time
my two emmys are getting along so well, i think one of them might be pregnant
9:57 AM August 25th
Eastern Time
Iran began loading rods into their reactor. But I thought Iran's strict moral code called for the stoning of anyone caught 'rod loading'?
10:55 PM August 24th
Eastern Time
Iran may have a new weapon, but there's a bright side: they have to acknowledge Israel exists before they can attack it.
10:50 PM August 24th
Eastern Time
The one thing I'll never understand about calculus is how to do it.
1:15 PM August 24th
Eastern Time
If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.
10:15 AM August 24th
Eastern Time
If there are any ufo nielsen families out there, please tell me what I can do to attract you. Human enslavement? Guest probes? just say it.
10:55 PM August 23rd
Eastern Time
This Emmy is my new favorite rich guy thing to serve tacos out of.
10:45 PM August 23rd
Eastern Time
